To Save My-Self
by TempestJewel
Summary: Ichigo faces a crisis that sheer force of will won't save him from and he is confronted with the greatest challenge he has faced yet. Himself or more specifically a wise old man and a hollow. As Ichigo faces a tragedy that spells the end of his life can he go finally accepting all parts of himself? Ichigo, Shiro, and Zangetsu family building IchigoXShiro if you squint hard...
1. Chapter 1

**To Save My-Self Chapter 1**

 **Author's Note: Hi everyone TempestJewel here with another Bleach story! This can be seen as a prequel to 'To Save My Queen' or as a standalone I think this will be a two or three shot but I have had it on my mind forever. If you squint it might seem IchigoXShiro but it can also be interpreted as really close brotherly bonding because that is what this story is about Ichigo bonding with himself and learning to love himself. Not that he is depressed just in denial of his hollow self and the imbalance of everything he is. Also you don't have to read 'To Save My Queen' to understand anything about this or read this to understand it, but I would appreciate it if you did and reviewed so I know where I need improvement thanks Also thank you to guest KK who told me my story was hard to read I hope it is better now! thank you so much!**

 **Warnings: Somewhat character death I only say somewhat because it's complicated and I don't even know if it is real character death. Also Typical Bleach Language**

 **Bold= Shiro's voice**

 _ **Bold Italics= Zangetsu's Voice**_

 _Normal Italics= Ichigo's Thoughts_

 **Ichigo's P.O.V.**

It was gym day at school and we were running laps as a warm up. Easy out of all the crap I deal with on a near daily basis but today I just can't seem to get my energy up. Actually I haven't been able to get moving much in a while I feel like my lungs can never get enough oxygen and it is really being proven today when I am practically down after three laps. My gym teacher is obviously displeased.

"Kurosaki! Get your lazy arse up!"

 _That lousy how dare he! He has no idea what I do to protect this place instead of sleep and study!_ **That's what you get for not taking power from me you would be full of so much energy King** _ **Now Shiro if he did that all the humans near him would be crushed.**_

I try to focus on my teacher as the voices bicker in my head… "Your grades have been dropping even more than normal you better get your crap together or you are going to end up a bum for the rest of your life!"

I can't stop it I burst out laughing my laugh is laced with a touch of Shiro's spirit energy sending fear down everyone spine and I have to hurry up and stop it but it is just too funny! _A bum! He thinks I am going to be useless for the rest of my life! Ha! He wouldn't even be alive it weren't for me._ **Such ungratefulness you should let me teach him a lesson** _ **Shiro behave yourself and quit tainting Ichigo's mind**_

Zangetsu's words stop me cold and I immediately scan myself and realize that my entire presence has been infected a few short pulses of pressure later and my aura is normal and my thoughts are my own again. _Damnit Shiro stop doing that!_ He has been doing this a lot lately trying to take control subtly by slowly altering my thoughts making me bitterer than I want to be. **You are though because I am you, you know and someday I will be stronger than you!** _Can't you at least not do this in public!_ **Would you prefer I did this at home?** That stops me cold again _You Bastard you leave Yuzu and Karin out of this!_ **Jeez king no need to try and kill us in here I was joking!** _Like hell you were._

I am brought out of my private musings by a burst of pain to the side of my head sending me to the ground. I look up to the face of my enraged teacher yelling about how I am not paying attention to anything I see he must have hit me with his meter stick who the hell carries around a metal meter stick anyway? I look over to see my friends have all stopped running looking at me concerned even Uryu who usually doesn't care anything about me.

"-Are you listening?! If you can't even pay-" he is still talking and I don't even need Shiro's influence to know I don't have to listen to this crap. I stand back up and he is immediately silenced because even though I feel weak I certainly don't look it. "Look Sensei I don't mean any disrespect but I do not feel well and your lectures are not helping so I am going to go home now."

With that said I begin walking off to change with him still yelling but he doesn't follow me, wise move his voice is just making me feel worse. I nod to my friends signaling they don't have to follow me. Once I am in the locker room I shower and change but by then I feel even more terrible.

"Do I have a cold? Do heroes even get colds?" I grab my Shinigami Badge and push myself out of my body I instantly feel relief and a sense of normalcy my power flowing over me freely.

"So much better, I guess my body does have a cold or something because I feel fine now." **Hey King I think you might want to get our body checked out by our old man….** _ **I agree this should get checked out Ichigo.**_ _You too Old man?_

I lift up my body it is looking a bit different than normal or maybe not different than normal different than me. I take in its skin a shade darker than my own the slight bags under its eyes probably from the lack of sleep and the fact that it isn't as defined as me. _Wow my body is different than my soul…. I think we should get this checked out by Urahara too._

I renter my body and immediately feel ill again the pressure on my lungs and the fuzziness in my head and the fatigue. _I need to get home fast._ With that I begin walking out tempted to just carry it home but knowing it would cause a scene if I did. As I walk toward my families clinic I feel even worse I am getting all sweaty and I can't even walk straight I reach up to my chest and feel my heart racing. I reach for my badge barely able to grab it before I start falling I set it in front of me as I fall so it hits me and pushes me out of my body. I breathe heavily at the sudden intense feeling of my normal self compared to the sickness of my body.

"Damn I must be sicker than I thought! I got to get to Dad fast!" I pick up my body bridle style and start flash stepping toward my house not caring that someone might see my body just floating in the air like a rag doll.

I make it to the clinic and kick the door down. "Dad! Emergency!" he rushes out and I have never felt such relief to see him. "What is it son?" he asks running over and taking my body out of my arms.

"I don't know there is something wrong with my body I thought I had a cold I have been feeling bad the for the last two weeks but it was worse today but then I collapsed in it but when I come out I felt fine."

He looks worried and carries my body to the emergency room that has the most equipment. "Go call Kisuke and tell him to get down here now" he then pauses "Actually tell him to get to Ryuuken's hospital then call Ryuuken we are on our way and to get us a room ready."

I leave quickly sensing this is serious as dad packs my body in the car we only use for house calls and emergencies. I call Ryuuken first sensing he will have more strings to pull and force his consent because he could never truly say no to dad as his friend or as a doctor. Urahara was actually the surprise.

I call him. Ring. Ring. Click. "Urahara Kisuke speaking how may I help you?" "Hat-and Clogs dad told me to tell you to get to Ryuuken's hospital immediately" I hear a sharp breathe and I am suddenly dealing with serious Kisuke, "What is going on Ichigo?"

"Something is wrong with my body it is sick or something." "I will be there immediately now get yourself to the hospital too." He hangs up and I am standing there worried out of my mind. _What could be wrong that it takes all three of them to be there to look at it?_ **If you broke our body King I am going to kill you!** _ **Silence Shiro this is probably important Ichigo you should probably get to the hospital now**_ _Right…_

With that I take off flash stepping to the hospital and locate Kisuke's signature since his the easiest for me to track. I go to the fifth floor to see all three adults standing around my body which is hooked up to machines and some sort of kido barrier. They all look serious. "Hey guys? Dad? What's going on? Have you guys figured out what is wrong?" I try to sound like the mature hero that I am but it comes out a little unsure.

Kisuke is the one that addresses me first with an all too strained smile even for the man. "Ah Ichigo you made it! Your body well it's sort of… well…." His smile drops off and he looks unable to finish and the feeling in my gut grows.

"Now we don't know that for sure…" Dad tries to say just to be hit over the head by Ryuuken. "Ichigo what these two seem unable to tell you is that…" even he pauses, "It isn't your fault at all but your body seems incapable of handling your soul."

Wait what? I look between them all and I feel panic rise in my throat at all their serious and downturned faces. "What do you mean my body can't handle my soul?"

Dad walks over and sets me down in a chair with a guiding hand on my shoulder. "What we mean son is that your soul is literally crushing the life force right out of your body as your powers expanded the energy you had to live ran right out of you."

Kisuke has yet to say anything and I know he knows something I don't "hat and clogs what are you guys not telling me?" everyone collectively winces.

Kisuke speaks up finally "We actually expected something like this to happen eventually but we didn't expect it to happen so quickly and it shouldn't have but," he pauses as if unsure how to word what he needed to say next. "With all the hollow pressure leaking out with your normal spiritual pressure it caused too much strain for your body to handle. In other words the part of you that is hollow… finished off what time you had left as a human… your body is going to die Ichigo… and we can't stop it."

 _I am going to die?_


	2. Chapter 2

**To Save My-Self Chapter 2 Denial and Acceptance**

 **Author's Note: Hello everyone sorry to keep you waiting but now I am on to chapter two!. I have found out that my idea is far from original but I guess that's okay and I hope I put a decent spin on it. Again Thanks to KK for giving me helpful advice on writing style! Also this chapter may seem to have UraharaxIchigo elements in it and though I do ship them this is purely Urahara's concern for his student shining through.**

 _Normal Italics: Ichigo's thoughts_

 **Bold: Shiro's thoughts**

" _ **Bold Italics in Quotations" = Ichigo talking with hollow mask on**_

 _ **Bold italics: Zangetsu's thoughts**_

 _ **Bold italics: Zangetsu's thoughts**_

 _ **Chapter 2**_

 _I am going to die?_

That is the first thing that passes my thoughts and apparently my lips as Kisuke puts a hand on my shoulder.

"I am afraid so Ichigo, before your hollow abilities started surfacing in your human form you were expected to live till your mid-fifties but after it's manifestation your body didn't stand a chance."

Rage is the next thing I feel and it is directed at everything! "So this is all that grinning bastards fault?! And you!" I point accusingly at them, "You all knew this and didn't see fit to tell me? What the hell!" they all look ashamed and Urahara hides behind his stupid hat.

For once the voices in my head are blessedly silent and I can focus on the outside world as I throw my rage.

Urahara speaks up, "I was trying to find a way to stop it I didn't want anyone to tell you until I found a solution, at first I was just going to build you a spiritual suppressor like Captain Zaraki but that only stops your retsu from leaving the body and would still force it to circulate. Then I tried trying to keep your spiritual pressure sealed in your soul and not flow into your body but then your body would most likely enter into a coma like state from the lack of any driving spiritual pressure…. I thought I was close to a solution but again I thought I had time, and then this happened and… there is just no way to undo the damage…. I am sorry Ichigo I really am."

As he speaks my rage dies down at least to outside forces and I feel awful I should have known better than to accuse them of intentionally hiding this from me. They must of thought I didn't need the extra pressure but I… wish they had I could have been better prepared.

"How long do I have? Or at least how long does my body have? And what happens to me after? Do I become a plus or do I go straight to the hollowfication table?"

I say this all bitterly splaying my hands out in front of me in disgust unsure how the death of someone like me happens I never have technically died before when my body quits will I be the same or will I change will I be helpless or am I just getting rid of my weakest link and my last ties to being human?

Urahara exchanges looks with my dad and Ryuuken who both leave the room as Urahara kneels before me and takes my hands speaking in the gentlest tone I ever thought possible from him and I see why he had them leave neither of us would want to be seen like this.

"Ichigo I won't lie to you alright and so I am honest when I tell you I don't know, but I swear to you that I will do everything I can to find out before your time. I already made plans for each outcome you mentioned do you want to hear them?"

I nod at him numbly focusing on his words so I don't have to focus on my rising grief and fear.

"Remember I promised not to lie to you so focus on me okay. Your body is currently in suspended animation which will last for two weeks that is all we have to figure things out. In that time I want you to try and make peace with all the parts inside of you I can tell that this has bothered you a long time and I think it will help keep you safe when your body gives out….now for the contingency plans… Ichigo? I need you to focus on me okay? I know you want to think right now but I need you to focus on me."

The disbelief had welded up in me when Urahara had told me to face myself those were the last people I wanted to see they caused this and they probably are scared too… I am brought back from my thoughts before they can get too deep by the reassuring voice and the hands squeezing mine. I focus back on Urahara's face as he begins speaking again and I know I won't stray this time.

"As I was saying I have already come up with a few plans if your… passing goes awry, If by chance you become a hollow upon the permanent release of your body I will do one of two things…. If you have retained your power I am going to turn you into an arrancar as soon as I can rip the mask from your face… if you don't retain your power and become a lower hollow I will follow you until I can help you evolve or cut you down should you go after your family"

I nod surprised he would do that for me but figure it is just as much for me as it is for his research. I wonder if I will be me or if Shiro would be me if I hollowfied after death? I focus back on him storing my questions for later.

"Another option is you come out of death like the Visord you are currently in which case nothing has to really change except your living arrangements and possibly have to go to Shinigami academy but until we get everything straightened out you will live with me or the other Visords it will be your choice Ichigo even if the soul society demands you we won't make you go to them unless you want to."

That's actually makes me feel better that they would fight for me if necessary and there is a version of this theory where I come out as me still.

"The worst case scenario however is either you becoming a plus soul or just vanishing into an explosion of reishi and crushing spiritual pressure."

I wince at both possibilities and they bring my fear back full force. I then feel Zangetsu soothing aura well within me since I am probably drowning them in rain at the moment. I try to breathe and Urahara squeezes my hands again.

"If you turn to a plus I promise I will exercise you myself… and I swear also to find you as soon as possible in the soul society and if you wish I will help you try to gain some power back but you won't be the same without your memories…. I could try to download them into a disk and force it upon your soul but it would be risky… would you want me to do that for you Ichigo? Before your body dies put your memories in a disk?"

I think for a minute if I would want to force my memories on my soul and ruin whatever chance it had at a new life away from the stress of being me… but I remember how terrible the soul society is and how I wouldn't remember who I wanted to protect. Why and if I could have my memories I might get my power back or even some of it to continue to protect.

"Yes please I would like that very much even if it fails I want to try and stay me…. But what will we do if I explode?" I ask a little disturbed by that odd but very real reaction to my imminent death.

He strokes his chin finally releasing my hands to think. "I think we should isolate you moments before your death in Hueco Mundo so all damage done won't hurt any general populaces and maybe the already supercharged air won't be thrown out of balance by your reishi and draw hollow horde upon hollow horde to whatever world you happen to pass in."

I look away I can't stand how he is being so casual about that… or am I relieved that he is being straight with me so I don't accidently hurt others when I die?

"Thank you Kisuke I will do that. Can I have some time alone please?"

Urahara looks at me sadly. "Of Course Ichigo but if you start losing control there are people in this hospital already weak so do you mind doing your thinking in the training grounds?"

I nod before flash stepping out and away from the hospital glad Kisuke was thinking of others safety as I couldn't at the moment. I rush pass Ururu and Jinta arguing as usual I don't see Tessai and I don't bother to look as I jump into the basement and lock it I know Urahara will understand. When I get down there I draw my sword and begin releasing random Getsuga Tensho everywhere trying to take my anger and fear out on every rock in sight and even the ceiling too. I hear yelling and I vaguely realize it is me. Soon my mask is on and I am destroying even more things.

 _Why me? Did I do something wrong? Why this? I might even explode! Who does that…._ **We do apparently.**

It is quiet and oddly mournful but enough to catch my attention and rage before I realize it I am in my inner world lifting Shiro by his Uniform yelling in his face as the rain pounds harshly against every available surface.

"This is all your fault! If it weren't for you I wouldn't be dying right now!" I shake him in my anger and he doesn't resist me and I keep yelling not even looking at him anymore my eyes closed as tears come out anyway. "If you hadn't been trying to constantly take over my body we could have stayed longer now no matter what…. I won't be human again I won't see Yuzu or Karin…. Keigo… Mizuro, Tatsuki… are you freaking happy! You have ruined our life! I am 17! 17 and I am going to die because someone wanted to power play with my soul!"

Next I realize I have set him down and his arms are around me… when did I start crying? I feel another pair of arms wrap around us both I look up to see Shiro is crying too and Zangetsu is holding us both like crying children his face is impassive like normal but his eyes show the sorrow he can't express as the supporter in our situation.

"Ichigo, Shiro could not have known this would happen if he continued to play his games and he is just as scared as you are if not more."

I look at Zangetsu in disbelief when Shiro speaks up "King I didn't mean to… I didn't know I just didn't want… to go back or for you to forget me…. I am sorry so sorry please don't send me back to the dark or let me die alone…."

"Die alone? What are you talking about?" The way Shiro looks like he is about to pass out from fear disturbs me on such a level but I find myself pulling him close and hugging him it hurt me to see myself like this especially this version of myself in so much despair and that's when I realize what is wrong.

"You are my instincts my base emotions….. I forgot… you are not just my rage and anger you are my feelings of self-preservation and my fears… I am so sorry Shiro… it is okay we will make it out of this…. I forgive you it was going to happen anyway right? At least now we can help each other right?"

I do my best to try and comfort my inner demon and I also remember that Shiro has only been around for two years… damn he must be terrified… at least I have a chance of surviving as a plus soul I have a 3 out of 4 chance of surviving intact him and Zangetsu only have 2 possibilities of surviving. I look away from them both distancing myself from Shiro and Zangetsu's embrace. God I am so selfish how dare I only think of myself when these two are at even more at risk to die permanently.

"I am so sorry you two I was being selfish-" Zangetsu stops me "Ichigo you have just as much right to feel bad as the rest of us…" he attempts to soothe me pulling me back allowing me to be weak just this once. I am glad he volunteered to be the mature one here. I kneel next to Shiro as Zangetsu's cloak billows around us wrapping us in his soothing aura.

"What am I going to tell Yuzu and Karin? What am I going to tell my friends? What is Dad going to tell my school?" "Probably we were hit with a sudden illness that ended us or that we were in an accident walking home because we felt bad and there will be a funeral naturally… I hope we are around to see it."

I almost hit Shiro for his stupid joke but I figure this is a way to protect us from the fact we might not be able to see our funeral or exist for that matter. I feel Zangetsu tap me to get my attention.

"Ichigo there is someone outside trying to get your attention… me and Shiro will be here when you go to sleep."

I look up at the dark sky of my inner world before I wake up in the world looking up at a worried Kisuke I see him through my mask though so I reach up and take it off but it doesn't dispel and my eyes widen worriedly **King I can't retract my power!** _ **Calm down I sensed a shift in our world talk to Kisuke before panicking…**_

"Ichigo are you with me? Something happened with your body so I came to check on you. I saw you passed out with your Bankai and hollow mask manifested I had assumed the worse." He says tracing the outline of my mask probably wondering if he can break it where I couldn't.

" _ **I am okay Kisuke it is just I can't seem to make my mask go away…"**_ He winces at the watery tone of my voice I know it scares a few people but I think Kisuke is just unused to it instead of afraid or at least I hope so it is frightening to think Kisuke is scared of me.

"Are you in full control can you tell? The changes leading to your death might be happening differently than we expected your spirit energy isn't overbearing like normal when you are in this form.'

" _ **Yes we are fine Shiro just can't seem to take his power back, Zangetsu said he has felt something change but cannot tell what yet. What feels different about me?"**_

"I can't feel any power coming off of you similar to how you were when fighting Aizen, when you became the final getsuga…. It probably explains the changes to your body your soul chain is warping I am worried that your death is approaching faster than anticipated…"

" _ **Warping? What do you mean warping? How can soul chains warp?"**_

"I don't know but all I can think to explain this is that your spirit energy has focused on splitting your soul from your body like people jumping from a sinking ship your power wants your body gone."

I look away trying to figure out what this means how is my power crushing my chain without being felt is that really what's going on here? I feel the fear creep up inside of me again and with it Shiro's power rising unintentionally and the mask starts growing down my neck and my hair starts growing. Next thing I know both Shiro and Kisuke are yelling at me the latter punching me in the face. "ICHIGO SNAP OUT OF IT YOUR MASK/MYPOWER IS GROWING" Thankfully the hit snaps me out of it and I feel the mask receded back to its original place.

" _ **I am sorry I didn't know that would happen…. Okay calm we got to be calm…."**_

I feel Zangetsu emanating his calm inside of me _**I will take of this let me ground you for now.**_

I take deep breathes allowing Zangetsu into my psyche and I feel Shiro lull as well I close my eyes a second and Kisuke touches my cheek gently probably to see if he hurt me when my eyes snap open. My cheek! He touched my cheek I reach up and find my mask is gone.

"Wow it's gone… Zangetsu you are a genius"

"It would appear without your body there to ground you, your form is currently fighting with your alter egos for dominance of form when you are frightened your mask and hollow seem to take control and when you are calm your soul reaper form seems to be in control…. Fascinating…."

I glare at Kisuke "I am not one of your projects!" he gasps at me shocked as my annoyance causes half my mask to appear feeling as strange as when I fought Byakuya I run my hand over it my wonder quickly replacing my annoyance making it disappear.

"Not only fear then… this could be a problem a big one if your innermost selves are subconsciously fighting for control then the possibility of you exploding are rising due to an unstable body."

My gut clenches again and Zangetsu rushes to calm me despite the collective wince from all parties in my head and Shiro's rising panic.

"How long do you think I have now?"

"If the warping keeps going at the pace it has been less than a week I am going to try and fasten you a new body to hopefully keep your soul grounded but I don't know if I have time…. No I will make time if I have to!"

Kisuke begins pacing and I can tell he is going to stay up and work the entire week I have left alive, probably ignoring food and water too. This makes both gratitude and worry build in me my mask coming over my face and I make a keening sound to stop his ponderings I don't know what came over me but I couldn't let him hurt himself on my account especially if this feeling in my gut knows he will fail in his attempt to save me. I reach out and touch his shoulder in an attempt to comfort.

" _ **It is okay, do not hurt yourself on my account I don't think that will work anyway don't worry… if I die… so be it."**_

I don't know where this courage or these words came from but I am grateful for them for I cannot let someone that is mine to be hurt especially when I am supposed to be the protector… I can feel that my death is going to be hurting everyone far more than it is hurting me. I will be brave for them. I will be strong for them. I WILL SURVIVE FOR THEM. I will not leave them with the hole in their chest that I am feeling from the absence of my body…. I REFUSE TO DIE LIKE THIS!

Kisuke is looking at me shocked by my words and actions my mask has grown and my soul chains and ribbon begin billowing around me the chains rattling loudly and the ribbons changing from red to black I feel my power rising and I feel Shiro and Zangetsu try to suppress what they can before it escapes and crushes everything around me. But they stop and I worry for a second since nothing is affected only the chains and ribbons, Kisuke isn't being hurt all my power must just be building inside me…. Like a bomb storing its energy. Damnit

"Ichigo what are you feeling right now can you tell what is going on here?" he asks worriedly reaching for one of my soul chains the second he touches it however it snaps breaking like brittle rusted iron. He snatches his hand back quickly his eyes carefully examining everything happening.

I feel even more pressure build inside of me. It kinda hurts… but not in a bad way… like a painful massage that will feel relief later or the pain of popping your joints but it doesn't end like those pains due.

"I feel my power building inside of me I can't let is out… it hurts slightly…. But not a bad pain…" I say after the pain suddenly vanishes and I notice my mask gone as well god I am just a rollercoaster of freak today aren't I?

The weird show seems to have decided it was over too as the chains and ribbons are gone… I wonder what the dying black meant? I guess it really doesn't matter.

"Hey Kisuke if I can keep myself calm may I go visit my friends? I… want to let them know what's going on they looked really worried today and I don't want them to find out about it from someone else."

He thinks for a minute probably weighing the dangers and benefits of letting me out. That thought makes me growl in my head he is not my keeper. **Calm down king I think my energy is messin with your head. Kisuke is just looking out for our friends' health after all** _ **Yes Ichigo you need to be more careful with your thoughts as we are not stable as Kisuke says.**_

I am so glad they are here without them I don't know how I can handle it. I will have to calm down for my friends I don't want them to freak out more than necessary. I look back at Kisuke who luckily didn't see my mini freak out. He addresses me apparently coming to a decision.

"I think it would be best if they came here like a hospital so we can keep both you and them monitored plus I have the equipment to keep them safe if you power does decide to exit your body. Write a list of who all you want and I think we should send them in small groups so you can keep calm easier."

I am unhappy I can't see them all at once and my frown shows it but I understand the importance of keeping them safe, "Of course if that's what is safest for them"

He hands me a notepad and a pen and I start writing names down.

 _I hope this goes over well…._

 **Author's Note: Well there is chapter 2! Sorry it took so long I had college prep to do! But now I am moved in and rolling again! I must say I am not very happy with anything I have written lately and I hope I get out of this rut soon! Let me know what you guys think and feel free to share ideas of where my stories should go! I might borrow elements from them if they are better than mine! Thank you all bye bye.**


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